I began chain smoking and developed sleep apnea

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buy canada goose jacket When I was 22 I was Canada Goose online living alone in an old house that my mother had bought from the estate of an elderly woman she used to take care of. buy canada goose jacket

My mother had me move in there because I was in an “off again” period with my then boyfriend/ex boyfriend, who was a 36 year old man (we met when I was 19 and he was 34) who had manipulated me and isolated me from all of my friends. I was basically plotting my escape from him most of my stuff canada goose coats on sale was still at his place, and I go back from time to time to collect a few things. But the old womans house I was living in was mostly empty, except for some random items from porcelain dolls to china, an old out of tune Wurlitzer piano, a bunch of extremely heavy antique wooden furniture.

canada goose The house was largely in a state of disrepair. You could feel the wind through the walls despite closing every window and door in the house, there was always a draft. I sleep at night in sweaters and fleece pants even though it was nearing the beginning of summer at that time. It would be the loneliest summer of my life. canada goose

I had lost many friends in trying to get my life somewhat together. I used to be a figurehead of my high school party scene, so most of my friendships were not built to last. It seemed like everyone around me wanted something from me, and if they couldn get it, they drift away right when I needed them most. One fair weather friend of mine and I had a falling out because she was interested in starting a romantic relationship with me, but for the life of her, she canada goose coats couldn stop comparing herself to me in a critical way. Another friend of mine fell out of my life because he got a new girlfriend with whom he started using meth. The only person I could consistently talk to at that time, funnily enough, was a cop from my neighborhood who had gone to the same middle school as me, and we reconnected years later on a dating website (we never dated). But some of his views and values were iffy to say the least, and we never got too close.

My job back then was certainly killing me. canada goose I was an admin at a real estate firm with a commute of an hour and 45 minutes by train each way, making $15/hr. The job itself, on top of that, was incredibly stressful. Last minute submissions of 60 150 page documents Canada Goose Jackets were common, so I sometimes stay from 9am 8pm. I began chain smoking and developed sleep apnea. My boss was lovely, but everyone else at the office was between middle cheap Canada Goose aged and elderly, many of the women rendered very strange looking from ghosts of plastic surgery past. I Canada Goose Parka was the youngest person working there but often got asked if I had a husband or children, since between the smoking and having put on a few pounds from stress and sitting all day, I was beginning to look older than my age.

uk canada goose I used to be a musician. When I was 18, I signed a record deal with a major label, they me up with an “up and coming” producer, and had my family foot his ($60,000) bill. The album was then rejected for promotion. The one thing I loved and felt was my purpose had become a sad joke to those around me, canada goose outlet and I had accumulated a high amount of credit card debt from supporting my abusive (and 14 yrs. older) ex. This job was the only one I could get seeing as I had dropped out of college to pursue my music career. uk canada goose

cheap canada goose uk This particular summer the stress would keep me up at night, and it seemed the only way I could get myself to sleep was having some drinks before bed. This became a nightly ritual and soon the drinking would start earlier in the day. On the weekends I have a drink just after my morning coffee. I wouldn even eat breakfast. I would paint, play guitar, practice violin. All drunk. A mental image of me drunkenly playing the already out of tune Wurlitzer comes to mind, and despite how much I was clearly suffering and starting to lose my shit, the thought makes me chuckle. cheap canada goose uk

After a few weeks of heavy drinking I wanted desperately to break the cycle. I managed to get my hands on some LSD. I done LSD upwards of 15 times before, in amounts ranging from 1 tab to 12 with little to no issues. But in this summer alone (the span of two months) I would trip another 11 times.

One should never take a mind altering substance when canada goose deals already feeling depressed or otherwise immersed in negative emotions. With each trip I was more jaded and dysphoric. I made up schemes in my mind about the government, my family, ex friends, people in general, God. I practically had a murderboard in my mind illustrating how everything in the universe existed to torture me and canada goose store I felt that I was the butt of some cosmic joke. A weak mind can become addicted to anything, and this was my lowest point, so aside from my existent alcoholism, I also found myself feeling an itch to trip and for each trip to be more intense than the last. In the weeks leading up to my last trip there was a tension in the air that can only be described as the haunting strings of a horror film, slowly rising to an unsettling crescendo.

cheap Canada Goose I hadn spoken to my few remaining friends in weeks and no one reached out to me except one great friend who I still keep in touch with to this day. I don blame them though, as it has never been uncommon for me to disappear for weeks and even months at a time. To them, this period of absence could have seemed like any canadian goose jacket other. But to me, it represented what could have been my last miserable days on Earth. cheap Canada Goose

My final trip was 9 tabs of acid (not the most I ever done) during a sleep deprived and hungover evening. I believe I took them at 8pm I started with two, in that stupor I canada goose clearance sale decided to take three more, and then under the influence of the first five I said fuck it. And took the remaining 4 tabs.

canada goose coats on sale I was completely gone. Rabid, feral, mindless, horrified, horrifying. I won detail too much of what happened that night but I stabbed myself with a large bowie (hunting) knife in the legs, arm, chest, and stomach. I was covered head to toe in blood and at probably the last possible second, I decided I wanted to live (the stomach wound would have killed me) and I ran out into the street since I could not work a phone in that state to call 911 myself. canada goose coats on sale

I was placed into psychiatric care “voluntarily” due to the nature of my injuries. I had to convince four different doctors that this behavior was completely outside of my buy canada goose jacket character. I was suspected paranoid schizophrenic and had a number of different pills tested out on me with no changes. I was then deemed completely normal.

Canada Goose Outlet The doctors and police strongly recommended that my parents take me in to live with them. On the ride back from the hospital I stared out the window. As horrible as things had gotten I felt like a tabula rasa. I felt that I couldn possibly lose anything more than what I had already lost. My “friends”. My passion. My mind. Canada Goose Outlet

Canada Goose Online I didn show my face for a long time. I had spent all of June drinking and all of July and August tripping (with plenty of overlap). I got out of the hospital in September and stayed completely canada goose clearance to myself until October. My first public appearance was Comic con. And I finally started to feel like myself again. Canada Goose Online

uk canada goose outlet Crazy to think that was over two years ago. I been sober since then except for the occasional glass of wine with dinner. I stopped smoking completely. I improved my diet, quit my job for one that pays literally twice as much, and ditched my shitty ex. Now I in a loving and supportive relationship, I have my own place, and I solidified the two newmediadoc friendships that were worth saving, feeling no need to take on any superficial ones. I begun showing compassion to myself. Being alone wasn the problem for me. It never was. It was the fact that the only person in my life (me) wasn being kind to me. I had abused myself for so long that in my moment of mental weakness I tried to take myself out just to end the pain. uk canada goose outlet

canadian goose jacket Honestly, and I not trying to seem new agey or woke, I oddly grateful for what happened. I lucky that wake up call came to me at age 22. I had a number of close calls and lost many friends to similar situations. But it was the right time. I had no one to blame but myself. Sure, I had been through some shitty stuff, but it was up to buy canada goose jacket cheap me to clean myself up and try to heal. I still getting there. canadian goose jacket

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canada goose factory sale I once had a close friend (who was otherwise usually pretty respectful and on the quiet side) get really drunk and basically abuse my laptop (was opening and closing it very roughly and slamming on the keyboard as well as moving it around carelessly). It was the best laptop I ever bought, and I was really protective of it back then, so I carefully tried to ask her to please be gently with it to which she responded “Oh reLAX, I can buy you a better laptop than this piece of crap!” and then she slammed it closed again. canada goose factory sale

canada goose uk outlet The laptop was fine, but her comment actually really hurt me because she knew I was in a really bad place financially. She never has to worry about money and she generally has expensive tastes, so I felt really put down by her in that moment. But I think she thought it was just about the laptop. canada goose uk outlet

Canada Goose sale This wasn really a fight and we totally fine Canada Goose sale now, she apologized. But damn that was fucked up, I hosted her in my (very) humble abode and tried my best to make her comfortable, and she acted like that Canada Goose sale.